Hearts are amazing things. They can be completely shattered and yet still fully function. They are the instrument of precious life and yet the recipient of life's most intense pain. They are accommodating, forgiving, expandable, mend-able. They can be hard or soft, hot or cold, light or dark, open or closed. You can give your whole heart away and yet still have it all left to give.
I have arrived now at the eve of my departure from Roatan, Honduras and am experiencing the familiar ache of a breaking heart. I can't imagine leaving my home here, my new family and friends, my work, my passions . . . tears are flowing hot and free. How incredible it is that in the same instant this very heart is bursting with joy and anticipation of returning to my American home, to the family I have missed so dearly, to my friends, my work, my passions. I know this dichotomy of emotions results from embracing and employing the above philosopher's suggestion. I have gone, am going, and will strive to always go wherever I go with all my heart.
Hearts are not meant to be caged, or tethered, or suppressed, or closed. Hearts are muscles that grow stronger and more resilient the more they are challenged. My successes here in Roatan have shown me just how much my heart has grown and benefited from the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual challenges of the last four years. In my darkest hours I chose hope and because I did now anything is possible. My heart is not only strong . . . it is also free.
In the days and weeks ahead I will write about the amazing people I met and experiences I had while on this journey . . . all unbelievably precious gifts I will carry tenderly in my heart until I return again to my island home.
"Where your treasure is, there shall your heart be also." - Matthew 6:21
My heart is well traveled and I am rich beyond compare.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
The hardest thing of all . . .
" . . . that something is difficult must be one more reason for us to do it." - Rainer Maria Rilke
Since arriving in Honduras I have face an endless series of challenges that have tested me physically, mentally, and emotionally. Ingraining dive physics with compromised short term memory capabilities was excruciating, but I managed a 92% on my final written exam. Towing a 200 pound man 100 meters through rough and breaking seas in under 3 minutes forced me to face the limits of my endurance, yet I succeeded. Assisting with surgeries in a brutally hot vet clinic for hours on end with no experience and no one that spoke English, beyond words. So many unbelievable, life enhancing experiences and resultant victories against incredible odds builds strength, confidence and conviction. And yet, what is it that never fails to bring me to my knees? What is the hardest thing of all?
saying goodbye . . .
letting go . . .
being far from those most precious to me.
Besides myself and God, there are four most amazing people that walked beside me through the fire of this journey and helped me find this moment in time. They are my inspiration, my joy, my reason, my most brilliant successes. My love for them helps me find the strength and courage to persist in the face of all adversity . . . to never give up and never surrender.
Paul - my soul mate
Nathan - my gift
Alex - my mirror
Becca - my peace
Through them I have learned how to love fully, deeply and completely . . . and because I do, I must also learn to let go and at times endure the pain of separation . . . of saying goodbye. It truly is the hardest thing of all.
"It is also good to love because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being . . . that perhaps is the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us . . . the ultimate task . . . the final test and proof . . . the work for which all other work is merely preparation." - Rainer Maria Rilke
Since arriving in Honduras I have face an endless series of challenges that have tested me physically, mentally, and emotionally. Ingraining dive physics with compromised short term memory capabilities was excruciating, but I managed a 92% on my final written exam. Towing a 200 pound man 100 meters through rough and breaking seas in under 3 minutes forced me to face the limits of my endurance, yet I succeeded. Assisting with surgeries in a brutally hot vet clinic for hours on end with no experience and no one that spoke English, beyond words. So many unbelievable, life enhancing experiences and resultant victories against incredible odds builds strength, confidence and conviction. And yet, what is it that never fails to bring me to my knees? What is the hardest thing of all?
saying goodbye . . .
letting go . . .
being far from those most precious to me.
Besides myself and God, there are four most amazing people that walked beside me through the fire of this journey and helped me find this moment in time. They are my inspiration, my joy, my reason, my most brilliant successes. My love for them helps me find the strength and courage to persist in the face of all adversity . . . to never give up and never surrender.
Paul - my soul mate
Nathan - my gift
Alex - my mirror
Becca - my peace
Through them I have learned how to love fully, deeply and completely . . . and because I do, I must also learn to let go and at times endure the pain of separation . . . of saying goodbye. It truly is the hardest thing of all.
"It is also good to love because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being . . . that perhaps is the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us . . . the ultimate task . . . the final test and proof . . . the work for which all other work is merely preparation." - Rainer Maria Rilke
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
I once was lost, but now I'm found . . .
In the beginning everything was dark. I was alone inside this vast blackness and was filled with pain and fear. I had no idea what had happened to me or how to resolve it. I was truly and utterly lost.
At times however, small flickers of light would pierce this void giving me direction and hope. And so I just kept stumbling forward . . .
In time I realized that each of these tiny pinpoints of light were gifts . . . pieces of the puzzle I was trying to reconstruct. The picture was different though than I had remembered and very confusing . . . some of the pieces did not fit . . . many were and are still missing. But each was a unique light that helped me make my way through the darkness . . . the doctor with the expertise and willingness to help me . . . knowledge and passion in areas never before considered . . . awareness and insight of my life's purpose . . . deeper commitment to those I love . . .
Of all the precious gifts I received, the most profound has been developing a relationship with God. I have always had the kind of faith that tends to wax and wane with the seasons of ones life, but I have never felt His presence more personally than in these last few challenging years. When I was dying in the chamber, I found myself cradled in a tenderness that would not let me go. When I could not get medical help after returning to the states, I found just enough strength to keep searching. When I had no clue or direction, I found just enough light and courage to persist. God helped me discover that without a doubt there was a purpose for my life that I had not yet found . . . a reason that I had lived. He opened my eyes and saved me from myself. And that is the motivation for this journey.
"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now I'm found . . .
was blind but now I see!"
At times however, small flickers of light would pierce this void giving me direction and hope. And so I just kept stumbling forward . . .
In time I realized that each of these tiny pinpoints of light were gifts . . . pieces of the puzzle I was trying to reconstruct. The picture was different though than I had remembered and very confusing . . . some of the pieces did not fit . . . many were and are still missing. But each was a unique light that helped me make my way through the darkness . . . the doctor with the expertise and willingness to help me . . . knowledge and passion in areas never before considered . . . awareness and insight of my life's purpose . . . deeper commitment to those I love . . .
Of all the precious gifts I received, the most profound has been developing a relationship with God. I have always had the kind of faith that tends to wax and wane with the seasons of ones life, but I have never felt His presence more personally than in these last few challenging years. When I was dying in the chamber, I found myself cradled in a tenderness that would not let me go. When I could not get medical help after returning to the states, I found just enough strength to keep searching. When I had no clue or direction, I found just enough light and courage to persist. God helped me discover that without a doubt there was a purpose for my life that I had not yet found . . . a reason that I had lived. He opened my eyes and saved me from myself. And that is the motivation for this journey.
"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now I'm found . . .
was blind but now I see!"
Thursday, June 23, 2011
All who wander are not lost . . .
And so, the adventure continues . . .
I am headed to Roatan, a small island off the coast of Honduras, to fulfill a calling I have had since a close encounter with death almost four years ago. This saga began on Cozumel while on a scuba diving vacation with my family in August of 2007. Shortly after surfacing from the second dive of the trip, I was hit with an arterial gas embolism which was subsequently attributed to a heart defect that I was completely unaware of having. I should have died from this event and at times during those first critical days through hell and back I would have almost welcomed it. But I did not die. By the grace of God and the knowledge and skill of Dr. Eduardo Garcia and his staff, I lived. I left that small island broken into so many pieces to begin a long, arduous, incredible and continuing journey of reconstruction . . . searching for strength, health, understanding, optimism and confidence. And ever so slowly I am becoming whole again . . . reborn, renewed, released. Finally I have arrived at a place that allows me to go back, to learn as well as teach, and to pay a little bit forward. And so I go.
During these years, I have looked to this moment as the place of coming "full circle" . . . the place of closure. But now that it is upon me, I see it more as a continuation of the long and wondrous spiral that is the path of my life . . . not closing but opening wide with new opportunities and adventures. My challenges have helped me discover aspects of myself I never would have known and have allowed me to become a part of things bigger than my own personal imaginings. Everything has reason and purpose and now I know that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am humbled, grateful, empowered and extremely blessed.
The islands are waiting and I am ready to wander . . .
I am headed to Roatan, a small island off the coast of Honduras, to fulfill a calling I have had since a close encounter with death almost four years ago. This saga began on Cozumel while on a scuba diving vacation with my family in August of 2007. Shortly after surfacing from the second dive of the trip, I was hit with an arterial gas embolism which was subsequently attributed to a heart defect that I was completely unaware of having. I should have died from this event and at times during those first critical days through hell and back I would have almost welcomed it. But I did not die. By the grace of God and the knowledge and skill of Dr. Eduardo Garcia and his staff, I lived. I left that small island broken into so many pieces to begin a long, arduous, incredible and continuing journey of reconstruction . . . searching for strength, health, understanding, optimism and confidence. And ever so slowly I am becoming whole again . . . reborn, renewed, released. Finally I have arrived at a place that allows me to go back, to learn as well as teach, and to pay a little bit forward. And so I go.
During these years, I have looked to this moment as the place of coming "full circle" . . . the place of closure. But now that it is upon me, I see it more as a continuation of the long and wondrous spiral that is the path of my life . . . not closing but opening wide with new opportunities and adventures. My challenges have helped me discover aspects of myself I never would have known and have allowed me to become a part of things bigger than my own personal imaginings. Everything has reason and purpose and now I know that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am humbled, grateful, empowered and extremely blessed.
The islands are waiting and I am ready to wander . . .
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