The hardest thing of all . . .

" . . . that something is difficult must be one more reason for us to do it." - Rainer Maria Rilke

Since arriving in Honduras I have face an endless series of challenges that have tested me physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Ingraining dive physics with compromised short term memory capabilities was excruciating, but I managed a 92% on my final written exam. Towing a 200 pound man 100 meters through rough and breaking seas in under 3 minutes forced me to face the limits of my endurance, yet I succeeded.  Assisting with surgeries in a brutally hot vet clinic for hours on end with no experience and no one that spoke English, beyond words.  So many unbelievable, life enhancing experiences and resultant victories against incredible odds builds strength, confidence and conviction.  And yet, what is it that never fails to bring me to my knees?  What is the hardest thing of all?

saying goodbye . . .
letting go . . .
being far from those most precious to me.

Besides myself and God, there are four most amazing people that walked beside me through the fire of this journey and helped me find this moment in time.  They are my inspiration, my joy, my reason, my most brilliant successes.  My love for them helps me find the strength and courage to persist in the face of all adversity . . . to never give up and never surrender.

Paul - my soul mate
Nathan - my gift
Alex - my mirror
Becca - my peace

Through them I have learned how to love fully, deeply and completely . . . and because I do, I must also learn to let go and at times endure the pain of separation . . . of saying goodbye.  It truly is the hardest thing of all.

"It is also good to love because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being  . . . that perhaps is the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us . . . the ultimate task . . . the final test and proof . . . the work for which all other work is merely preparation." - Rainer Maria Rilke

I once was lost, but now I'm found . . .

In the beginning everything was dark. I was alone inside this vast blackness and was filled with pain and fear. I had no idea what had happened to me or how to resolve it. I was truly and utterly lost.
At times however, small flickers of light would pierce this void giving me direction and hope. And so I just kept stumbling forward . . .
In time I realized that each of these tiny pinpoints of light were gifts . . . pieces of the puzzle I was trying to reconstruct.  The picture was different though than I had remembered and very confusing . . . some of the pieces did not fit . . . many were and are still missing.  But each was a unique light that helped me make my way through the darkness . . . the doctor with the expertise and willingness to help me . . . knowledge and passion in areas never before considered . . . awareness and insight of my life's purpose . . . deeper commitment to those I love . . .

Of all the precious gifts I received, the most profound has been developing a relationship with God.  I have always had the kind of faith that tends to wax and wane with the seasons of ones life, but I have never felt His presence more personally than in these last few challenging years.  When I was dying in the chamber, I found myself cradled in a tenderness that would not let me go.  When I could not get medical help after returning to the states, I found just enough strength to keep searching.  When I had no clue or direction, I found just enough light and courage to persist.  God helped me discover that without a doubt there was a purpose for my life that I had not yet found . . . a reason that I had lived.  He opened my eyes and saved me from myself.  And that is the motivation for this journey.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now I'm found . . .
was blind but now I see!"